Oakley Baby

I am a little more on top of this baby's birthing story 😜 She's only 1 and Cole was 2 before I got his story out there!

We knew Oakley was a girl long before conception. It was just a feeling Tyler and I both had. So it was no surprise when our kids all bit into their gender reveal cupcakes and had pink sprinkles fall out :)  The next day I got rid of all my baby boy stuff! We were busting at the seams in our house and it felt so good to finally be able to purge things we didn't need anymore. It was bitter sweet knowing we were moving out of baby mode soon and into the next phase. 

About a month after finding out she was officially a girl, I started getting itchy. I have had liver problems in the past and I knew the moment I started itching, that's what it was. It's an unmistakable type of itch, I don't know how to explain it. It was mild, but it was everywhere. I went to the doctor and she said "We live in a dry climate, it's winter, it's probably from that." I knew it wasn't that... But she ordered blood work anyway. I had double the normal bile acid levels. Basically, my liver wasn't able to keep up with the hormone production, which can cause a few things to happen. For me, it would just cause increasingly annoying major itching from bile acid being backed up into my blood stream (sounds like not a big deal, but I stopped being able to sleep, wear anything even remotely tight on my skin, etc, weeks before she was born, even on medication), but for the baby it could cause anything from fetal distress to stillbirth. I had already miscarried with that OB a few years before, so she didn't want to chance anything and decided to deliver the baby a month early!  

With the current pandemic being pretty new, I was super paranoid about it all. We all were! Fortunately for me, Tyler was home for 7 weeks with all the kids being home from school before she was born so I only had to make it to the doctor and back and didn't have to go anywhere else. I had to go twice a week for non-stress tests and ultrasounds for the month before she was born. She passed each one with flying colors except for one! I got steroid shots in my booty and Mother's Day was her "due" date. 

Tyler and I went to the hospital early Mother's Day morning. My kids made sure they got up and handed me the cards they had made so I had them with me at the hospital. 😍 I have gone into labor 3 times on my own and had one without an epidural, and then with Cole I was induced. I do not enjoy being induced... so I knew what I was in for! I got all set up with a balloon catheter... I did not enjoy that either. Super awkward, but effective. Between that and the little pill, I started having some contractions. Then they stopped, then they started, then they pulled the balloon catheter out and everything stopped altogether. I know this sounds silly, but I was really excited about her birthday being 5/10/20 so I was bummed that labor stopped! They gave me another little pill and we walked the tiny maternity ward square what felt like 1,000 times and finally got contractions going again. Enough to not need any more help. I had planned on not getting an epidural, and caved 😂 I reacted both times being induced to the epidural. I get really dizzy and can't sit up or anything for a few hours after it wears off. Oakley Gwen Page (Lyndi sold us on her first name, her middle name is after my Grandma) was born at 7:07 PM on 5/10/20, weighing in at 5 lbs 13 oz. She was little enough that I didn't need stitches, I didn't have any with Lyndi either, and recovery is SO MUCH QUICKER! I was grateful that I could move around in the hospital, sit without wanting to sob, and be home and not have to worry about it. I was also so grateful that because she was early and so little, she basically slept for the first several weeks unless she needed to eat. She was seriously the sweetest note to end on! It could not have gone better, and I was grateful she was healthy as could be and Lyndi was excited she had dark hair and eyes like her. She was the sweetest, sleepiest baby and I think God knew we needed an easy one with all that happened for our family this past year! She is so cute and funny and sweet and we couldn't have asked for a more perfect baby. 

Cole-Man

I have realized I never made a post about Cole's birth story. He turns 2 this afternoon!

I spent the entire pregnancy worried about him. Everything was fine in tests and movement, but since he was our rainbow baby, I couldn't help but be overly worried. My diet was entirely different, which made (and still makes to this day) gaining weight really difficult. I gained 20 pounds total, which was the least for any of my pregnancies, and he was almost half of that! I couldn't take prenatal vitamins because my stomach wouldn't tolerate any that I tried, so I just tried to make sure I was eating really well. I had the least amount of pain and restlessness this pregnancy which made it by far my easiest pregnancy.

My doctor offered for me to be induced, which I'd never experienced before, so we thought we'd give it a try. It was super nice to have it scheduled! We went in the morning after my due date and got started. I was having contractions by about 8:30 am, and almost immediately after I got hooked up to everything, the nurse noticed that Cole didn't like the contractions. His heart rate plummeted with each one. After about an hour of this, they started me on oxygen. When that didn't help, they started me on fluids. When that didn't help, they had me change positions to see if that would alleviate anything for him. When that didn't help, they gave me a shot in the back of my arm to calm my uterus enough to give him a bit of a break. That helped. I can't remember what time it was by then. Tyler says a lot more happens and is said during my labors than I remember :) When the shot started wearing off, his heart rate started plummeting again with each contraction, and they started mentioning C-section. I opted for an epidural, I wasn't planning on it, but I had never not progressed in dilation before and thought I was going to be there all day and all night! My labors are usually very quick and I've been at a 10 really quickly. I got the epidural and my doctor broke my water, and then things happened quick :) He was born at 3:23 pm on 2/22.

Come to find out, he had tied a "true knot" in the umbilical cord. I'd post a picture of it, but I'll spare you all :)  My doctor made Tyler take a picture of it because she said that's really rare. On top of the "true knot", he also had the cord wrapped around his neck twice! No wonder labor didn't go well for him. It was amazing he did as well as he did. He was choking on and throwing up gunk that had been stuck in his throat for who knows how long for a few days after that. I didn't react to the epidural well, and was dizzy and couldn't sit up until that night. He's healthy, super smart, and now he's my spunky, feisty, "rules the roost" 2-year old!

The Treatment Plan, plus a year. ;)

It has now been over a year since I started this blog post. Life. It has also been almost 2 years since this all started and I feel so much better! I'm writing this because I wish there had been more success stories available for me to read about in healing your own body. I came across a few blogs and articles, but it didn't have the detail I needed. I needed a game plan and no one seemed to have one. So I'm writing this in the hopes that someone will come across it and maybe get an idea of what to do if they find themselves in the same boat as me. It was torture and I seem to be coming out on top.

As I mentioned before, this whole change began because my body started retaliating when I was 28 years old. I had been sick for months and was continually losing weight and was constantly confined to my house. I couldn't make plans with people, not even the night before. I couldn't even plan on feeling well the next day even if I went to bed feeling fine. When I went to the doctor, I had dozens of blood tests done and x-rays taken. Everything came back clean. My doctor basically just told me he thinks I was right in suspecting that I had IBS. And then gave me my muscle relaxers and shoved me out the door. In the eyes of medicine, I've come to find out that IBS is still seen as mysterious, and, once you have it, you have it. There's really no changing that . There was the Low-FODMAP diet that I explained in my last post, but that is a ridiculously hard diet to follow. I followed it when I was pregnant because I needed to stop the flare-ups. And it did help, but the way I felt was absolutely awful. In my mind I kept thinking there's no way God put this vast variety of food on the earth just for so many people to be unable to digest it. My hair turned to straw, my nails changed, I was constantly exhausted (more than just pregnancy exhausted). I knew that my body was being restricted in the variety of nutrients that it needed, which is why I had so much trouble with the Low-FODMAP diet. I knew enough about nutrition to know that this was not healthy, especially for a pregnancy.  But I didn't have a choice until I lost my baby. That same day I dropped the diet and grieved with my muscle relaxers and went back to eating whatever I wanted for a few weeks.

When I lost the baby my prayers changed (on a side-note, if you’ve never experienced a miscarriage, don’t ever use the phrases “Oh well.” or “At least it happened before you felt it kicking.” Or try to explain why YOU think it happened. Yes, I received all of those, and all from women who have never gone through it. It sucks and it was my baby no matter how far along I was. That was my 4th child. The only reason I add this is because no one really talks about miscarriage, so no one really knows what to say. But it's almost easier for us if you say nothing than say something ignorant.) Anyway, I was so desperate for answers and was so beyond tired. My prayers went from "Heal me, and fast." to "I will do whatever it takes, just show me what to do." and that was when I found my answer. I was prompted to read my Patriarchal blessing which has AN ENTIRE PARAGRAPH about my health, promising good health if I follow the Word of Wisdom strictly. So I went to work. I found books on the Word of Wisdom that tied in to the Whole Food, Plant-Based diet and it all made so much clear sense to me. I wasn't looking for the WFPB diet, but it kept popping up again and again. Jane Birch's book "Discovering the Word of Wisdom" was the first book I read and it changed me. It completely changed my outlook on food. At this point, my relationship with food had already changed so much that I was willing to change in whatever way God told me to. I had the feeling of confirmation OVER and OVER as I read her book. I was lead to other books as well. The China Study by T. Colin Campbell was an eye opener and made my drive more powerful. I was looking up website after website and was watching documentary after documentary (Forks Over Knives people, Forks Over Knives) and was finding so much more information than I could have hoped for. The only thing left to do was to put it into action. I had read enough to have a general idea, I just needed to get started.

My 29th birthday was the last day I ate whatever I wanted (with the help of medication). I had come across enough information about the Whole Food, Plant-Based diet to know that this was my answer. And it has not failed me. The week after my birthday I went through my kitchen and pantry and got rid of everything that was processed, anything that had preservatives in it, anything that had any animal products in it (again, this is what MY answer was in interpreting the word of wisdom), and anything that was not "real" food. I say real, because what are cheese puffs? Does anyone know exactly what is in them? I was left with a pretty barren kitchen. Most of my fridge and freezer were empty, with the exception of some fruit and some frozen vegetables. My cabinets were left with some cans of vegetables and some beans. I don't want to think about how much money I threw out haha. I gave it to the mom's in our preschool group and didn't look back.

The first time I went to the grocery store was a challenge. I had downloaded the Forks Over Knives recipe app and that's basically all I used for the first few weeks. But the grocery lists were foreign to me. What was tahini? and tamari? and where did I find coconut cream? It took a long time and lot of asking people but I did find things, you just have to know where to look and which stores to go to.  A few days after starting this, I had the drive to make homemade bread. I was so excited and so were my kids. This was where I discovered how intense my gluten sensitivity was. I had stayed away from it on the Low-FODMAP diet, but could eat it with my muscle relaxers. After making whole wheat bread and eating one slice, I was sick. And was sent into a full flareup before 8:00 that night. My sweet husband who I don't know how to repay sat with me while I cried in our bathroom in the fetal position. I was completely a prisoner of my own body and made my drive even more instense to fix this. About 24 hours later, I was back to feeling ok. And I knew I could absolutely not have gluten. Or, at the beginning, onions, honey, avocados, apples, milk, cheese, yogurt, any raw vegetable including salad. The list goes on. I am happy to report I have been able to add everything back in. I am healed!

I began this diet taking my muscle relaxers. I would take one of each every night before dinner (I still couldn't afford to lose any more weight, I was hovering just above 100 pounds.) and be fine usually, unless it contained gluten or rawish onions. A few days after doing this, I noticed that I could breathe through my nose at night. Ever since I had kids I haven't been able to do that! I thought it was just a sign of aging. Now, the only time I'm congested at night is when I have too much dairy (rare occurrences now). I also stopped having knee pain that made me require a brace in cross-country in high school. I stopped having arthritic pains in my fingers as well. I stopped having chronic sinus infections that daily headaches. Maybe TMI, but my PMS is all but non-existent. All things I thought were just a normal part of life. NOPE! I noticed that I had more energy. Not just more, but I would wake up able to get out of bed a few hours before I used to be able to. I was no longer going to bed feeling nauseated and requiring peppermint oil, digestive oil and a heating pad to get me to sleep. I was no longer waking up feeling that way either. My system was cleansing itself from all the toxins I had been giving it for 29 years. About two weeks after I began, most of my symptoms were gone. Only 2 weeks!  After months of sickness! And I was worried I'd have to deal with this for the rest of my life!  A few weeks later, I stopped my muscle relaxer and started digestive enzymes. I did this every night with dinner for several weeks and then was able to stop taking them altogether. Now, when my body attempts to flare up, it can't. I'll wake up sometimes and feel like something bad is going to happen, but it ends up just as mild discomfort and goes away before the night is over. I am also happy to report I had a successful pregnancy, a much easier one than with my previous two babies.

I went from asking "Why is my body treating this way?" to "What did I treat my body THAT way for so long?" and more importantly, why isn't the Whole Food Plant-Based way of life more widespread? It's hard to break tradition and habits. That's why. At the beginning of the year I absolutely refused to accept the idea of a world without cheese. I LOVE cheese. I still do, but going without it and the other addicting, toxic foods that our bodies don't need, nor are they designed for our bodies to digest on a regular basis, has done my body good. My system has healed, because I gave it the chance it needed to do so. I have been able to add things back in that I couldn't breakdown months ago, like honey. I was so excited I ate honey without issues that I texted my sister and husband the good news haha. I'm such a dork, but it was a big deal to me!

I actually found a doctor in town who uses this diet as a means of treatment for most of her patients. There is a point in some cases where damage is irreversible, but she said she has a high rate of success and she's actually shocked that we are taught to eat the way we are.

I've come to a lot of conclusions for me and my family and some new understandings.

-My son had a dairy and egg sensitivity. I never would have known unless we went without it. Every time he had eggs or dairy, he had the worst and most frequent poopy diapers and was up all night crying in pain. 24 hours later, he would be fine. EVERY TIME. He's grown out of it by now, but it was awful.

-Our bodies are not designed for the Standard American Diet (SAD). It's hard on our systems. Our bodies have an INCREDIBLE ability to heal themselves if we stop fueling them with crap.  

-For my house, animals are for our need, not our want. I believe God designed it that way, and having gone without it for months and having it again on the 4th of July last year, I didn't miss it. Meat is weird. Haha. I love bacon, I always will, but my outlook on consuming animals has changed. I have become that person I always made fun of. And now I'm made fun of haha. I'm not an animal rights' activist and crazy person, but I definitely don't see them the way I did. We do meat maybe 6 times a year in our house. I don't buy it unless Tyler requests it for a holiday meal. I am at a point now that I'm actually able to eat what is provided when we go to someone else's house instead of offering to bring something I know I can have. But we don't do it very often.

-Our relationship with God changes when we bend our will to align with His. His will is the only one that matters, and I don't feel it's coincidence that I've learned all of this. I feel the need to share it.

-As humans, we are only getting more sick, and I don't think that's coincidence either. Fuel your bodies with what they need, not what you want. You'll feel better and be happier. The entitlement to eat whatever we want whenever we want, "Life is too short", is only hurting us. You only have one body and one life. Treat it well.

-Change doesn't happen overnight. I've been doing this for 15 months now, and it's gotten a ton easier, but I still struggle. Especially now that I can have gluten again :) After I found that out, Tyler's chocolate chip cookies were made every week for a while haha.

-People will always have an opinion that differs from yours. In this case, everyone's opinion differs from mine haha. My sickness brought me to this. I applied it. My body healed. End of story. Yes, our whole family eats this way. I'm not making YOU eat this way haha.

-Prayers are answered. Usually not in the way you want. In my case, definitely not in the way I wanted at first. Usually after you've suffered a great ordeal. But they are answered.

-Jesus Christ can shoulder your burdens and your heartaches. You just have to allow yourself to leave it at his feet and walk away from it.

-You are in control of your stress levels. Your stress levels do not own you.

-You don't have to be a prisoner in your body. Pray, put in the work and you will find answers. I was looking for the quick fix at first, because that's what we're taught as a society. Whenever I prayed I had the feeling this was going to be temporary, but very hard. And it was. It's taken a lot of work, but my body and I are in sync now.

Why is my body treating me this way?

It all started back in September. 

We had moved to Grand Junction after Tyler graduated as an Optometrist in Philadelphia (Oh, how I miss it sometimes!).  We settled into our new home, Lyndi started First Grade at a new school, Emerie was invited to participate in a new preschool group, and Levi was becoming a very active little 18 month old. 

Then one night I woke up with what I thought was some mild pain and discomfort from a stomach bug.  I was up the rest of the night and it went away late the next morning just as quick as it came on.  A few days later, the exact same thing happened.  This occurred two more times in less than two weeks.  I called my sister and she told me sometimes there are certain stomach viruses that last about two weeks. All seemed to point to that, because after that weird 4-time occurrence in two weeks it went away.

About a month later in October it came back.  In the exact same way.  Four times in about two weeks.  It wasn't anything really concerning to me yet, I still thought maybe I was just adjusting to the different strains of bacteria since we were living somewhere completely new.  I was a bit paranoid that I would spread it to my kids, so I spent those nights and days trying to quarantine myself (quite a feat with small kids at home).  But just like in September, it went away after that two weeks.

In November it became more frequent. It started occurring once a week.  Every week. By this point I was trying to tie it to different foods or things that I was doing those days.  I thought I had it tied to avocados, then tomatoes, then salad, then the tap water, and so on and so forth.  Nothing was making any sense! 

In the craziness of December I was trying to deal with being up all night sick and not feeling well all the next day at least once a week and at the same time trying to keep up with holiday festivities, birthdays, traveling and making goodies for friends and neighbors.  I still hadn't gotten anywhere with tying the sickness to food, but I finally was able to tie it to some stress.  It got significantly worse a few days before Christmas.  The day of Lyndi's birthday I was up on my feet all day baking a cake, babysitting a friends kids, my own running kids to and fro, going to the school to celebrate with Lyndi at lunch, and making treats to take to the Page family Christmas party. That night I woke up sick yet again, only this time it lasted well into the next day.  We traveled to Utah and I was still sick at Tyler's brothers house.  By this point I thought that just traveling and stress had triggered my extended symptoms.  We got back home and I still wasn't feeling well (this being the 3rd day).  The next day I woke up feeling better, but had a ton to do.  It was December 20, and I still hadn't made treats for friends and neighbors and co-workers.  I was up again all day baking (and I mean ALL day) and not paying attention to what I was eating.  That night I took one bite of a sugar cookie and felt sick immediately.  I was sick before I even went to bed.  I was in pretty intense pain all that night, ALL the next day and most of the next night.  I cried a lot, I couldn't get anything to alleviate any of my symptoms.  By now I knew something more than just a random stomach bug was causing my body to retaliate.  And I mean retaliate.  I've never had anything happen to my body that I couldn't fix myself, or couldn't get a doctor to fix with pills immediately. 

I went in to the doctor the day after my "episode" or "flareup" and found out I had lost 15 lbs. I was so sick I couldn't put any food other than small amounts of applesauce or yogurt into my body for almost 5 days.  On Christmas Eve my sweet husband (who had already pulled his and my weight for months now) made a nice dinner for us consisting of steak, sweet potatoes and salad.  Food had never tasted so good!  I didn't eat very much of it for fear of getting sick again.  I woke up Christmas morning and just felt awful.  In addition to not feeling well, Levi binged on some candy from his stocking and within 5 minutes of us being into Christmas-morning-mode, Levi threw up on my pants.  After we got all the presents opened, I went back to bed.  I felt so lame and so angry that my body was doing this.  After all, I didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't do drugs, ate what I thought was best for my body, so why would it be freaking out when I was only 28?!?!? 

My doctor gave me a muscle relaxer to help with flareups, and they were my lifesaver.  Note: this was not like the muscle relaxers you see in movies, it didn't make me act high or crazy haha.  It simply just allowed my body to digest the foods I was eating without such extreme consequences.  My brother and his family came to stay for New Years Eve and I prayed SO HARD that my body would be able to behave until after they left.  And surprisingly, it did, until the last night they were here.  I made a soup that apparently didn't cook properly.  I ended up making my family sick as well as my brothers family... but my body reacted much more severely than theirs did.  But my sweet sister-in-law came to the rescue and somehow managed to pack up her family and clean up my house while I was stuck in bed.  Again, I felt so lame and so helpless, and I even ended up throwing up my muscle relaxer that morning, so there was no help for me that day.  I found out that 3 of my siblings have also experienced this, but none of them experienced the extremes that I was, and theirs was temporary.

However, about a week and a half after I got these amazing muscle relaxers, I found out I was finally expecting!  I hadn't been able to get pregnant for a few months so I was excited.  But that meant I couldn't take my muscle relaxers anymore.  I got a new kind that was safe to take, but, of course, it didn't ever help.  A few days later though, my body seemed to progressively struggle with being so malnourished and pregnant. I was only able to eat a few spoonfuls of food at a time, a cup at most.  I couldn't stop a flare-up once it started, and I couldn't figure out what was causing them.  They were becoming more frequent, longer-lasting and more intense.  I finally came across a diet called the "Low FODMAP Diet".   It basically broke foods into categories according to the sugars in them and told me which foods were "safe" (caused little to no issues) and "unsafe" (major no-no's).  There were a lot more foods I couldn't have than I could, and it was extremely difficult to stick to, but I had no other choice.  After doing this for about 6 weeks I had seen small improvements, but still woke up feeling so awful all the time.  I was beginning to think this was going to be my new normal, and I was so worried about what that meant for my future and my abilities.  I had no energy, my hair was responding poorly to this diet too, it became coarse and almost straw-like. I couldn't even get down on the floor to change my son's poopy diapers.  He constantly had diaper rash.  I ended up having people come over to help me clean a few times because my body and my mind were saying completely different things.  My mind was screaming to just get up and do something, but my body was at such a low point that I couldn't do a single thing.  Poor Tyler, he was getting just as burned out as I was.  He was pulling so much weight and doing everything.  Everything.  He's a lot more graceful than I am though.  I ended up throwing tantrums, crying, getting angry for no reason because I felt so alone. My body was doing this to me.  My body was the one responsible for this baby. My body was not handling the two things very well at all.  And I couldn't help it heal. 

One night in February I was just watching the kids play and all of a sudden a line from my Patriarchal Blessing popped into my head.  At this point I had basically been begging and pleading through prayer to heal, and fast. I went and read through my blessing and had forgotten about the last paragraph.  It is entirely about my health.  It was like the words were in all caps in brightly colored letters.  "Follow the Word of Wisdom strictly and you will enjoy good health."  I had read through my blessing a hundred times and had never read that paragraph so clearly.  It mentioned other things to help my body as well, but the Word of Wisdom stuck in the front of my mind.  I had always, like most members of the church, thought I followed the Word of Wisdom because I don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs.  But what I had never studied before that moment was just how much MORE there is to the Word of Wisdom.  There are so many do's that members don't follow.  Ironically enough, my morning sickness as well as the IBS sickness subsided long enough the same night I read through my blessing that I requested McDonalds French fries.  And paid for it dearly with another severe flare-up, and lost more weight.

A few days later, I found out that I lost the baby. At that moment, I had nothing left.  I was completely broken.  I was angry, lost, confused, beyond hurt.  My mind was an absolute mess, my body couldn't handle ANYTHING.  I went to that appointment alone, and when I finally made it home, I just collapsed into myself.  I felt even more alone than I had before.  I received comments from some family that were just awful and made me feel even worse.  I felt so angry for God allowing me to get pregnant right then, and making me struggle with too many physical things... and then taking that baby away from me.  I didn't understand and wanted to throw in the towel.  It's isolating because it's such a taboo topic.  It's extremely painful to talk about for a good long while, but it happens to so many women. 

The morning after the miscarriage I felt better physically.  My body responded to that alleviated stress so quickly that it made me feel so guilty for feeling so much better.  I felt like I deserved to feel awful for a long time.  My body couldn't even sustain me, let alone another person that was entirely dependent on me.  Two days after the miscarriage I was able to change my sons diapers and start cleaning again.  I can't really describe the conflicted feelings.  I dropped the awfully restricting FODMAP diet.  I needed to be able to grieve, and since I had been so restricted in so many ways, food was my outlet at that moment.  I took my muscle relaxer that same day and started eating what I wanted instead of what I thought my body needed.  And I was able to do that and gain 5 pounds back in less than a week.  Now I was only (and still am today) down 20 lbs instead of 25.  On my birthday, all I wanted was my health and my baby back.  I still didn't care about much.  At this point I refused to even try to get pregnant again, I knew my body couldn't handle it.

A few days later as I was studying more on what it meant to follow the Word of Wisdom strictly, I came across several articles about a Whole Food, Plant Based Diet.  It aligns so perfectly with the Word of Wisdom, I am still asking myself why it's so uncommon in the church! Don't get me wrong, I know the Word of Wisdom means different things to different people, I'm not trying to say that this is the only way, but I found myself conflicted with how I was raised to eat (tons of dairy, tons of meat, eggs, sugar, etc) and what I was discovering with my body and my new found knowledge. I found several books (I'm still studying and learning), articles and people to talk to about it.  There is a couple in our ward that follows this diet and voluntarily helped me get started.  I started this right after my birthday at the beginning of March, and have only had 3 flare-ups since then.  3!!!  After having at LEAST one every week since November (and some of those weeks I had 3 in one week...) and several before then, I was ECSTATIC.  I'm still healing, my body is still reacting to things that I'm still figuring out, but I'm getting there.  I'm feeling better and I'm not so terrified of getting pregnant again.  I found a pill packed with digestive enzymes that has allowed me to get off my muscle relaxer (unless I have a flare-up), and I'm eating really genuinely healthy food.  My kids are eating better, which is a huge accomplishment.  My husband is on board (he questioned it at first, but after seeing the impact of this diet on my broken body, he's all for it!).  It seemed drastic at first and really hard, but the longer I do it, and the more improvements I see (not just with IBS) the more I don't want to ever go back.  This year is still all about me gaining my health back, and I am definitely on the right track.  I found my answer, and know now, after months of prayer and searching for more help, that God KNEW I needed a big reason to stick with this. That lost baby is still serving as that for me. I had our ultrasound picture on our fridge so every time I walked in there I remembered why I was doing something that at first seemed so hard. It's now been 5 months since I lost it and some days it still feels fresh, but I know that it happened for a reason and the progress I've made since then has been remarkable.

Sorry for the novel, I'm going to write another post about just how I've gone about this lifestyle change.

My baby is 1! And some pictures...finally :)

A year ago today I was standing over the crib rocking back and forth trying to get through a contraction.  I had JUST sent my husband an hour earlier to make a Pinewood Derby car with his friends 35 minutes away.  I, of course, told him I thought it may have been another false alarm.  Turns out it wasn't!  He tried to rush back home and we passed cars left and right trying to get to the hospital.  In the back of my mind I was still worried he had Down Syndrome, still worried about not being able to get an epidural this time, still worried something might go wrong.  That WHOLE pregnancy was different in a lot of ways. 
But he was born 3.5 hours after I started my "false" labor.  He was huge!  Well, huge to me!  8.8 lbs.  I saw him and rejoiced because I FINALLY got my red head!  He had fiery red hair, that turned to blonde about a month later.  I'm ok with that, he's a cute blonde with bright blue eyes :)  He was the best newborn we had in the hospital with us.  He slept 4 hours at a time without even making a peep.  He rarely cried unless I wasn't quick enough to get food to his mouth, which is still true today haha.  This kid loves his food! 
He has turned out to be pretty laid back, which has been really nice.  He only really cries when he's sick, tired, teething, or wants more food.  He falls down a lot and just jumps back up.  He's walking with the attempt of running when his sisters are running circles around him.  He loves to laugh at his sisters when they do silly things.  He loves to entertain at the dinner table.  He is starting to take part in conversations when everyone else is talking or laughing.  He loves grandpa, that is the understatement of the year.  As soon as grandpa walks through the door he rushes over to him.  He snuggles when he wants to, it's my favorite :)  He is an awesome sleeper (after months of not being one).  He will even wake up and just play in his crib instead of crying (even in the middle of the night, he is his own best companion. He talks to himself almost every night around 2 AM).  He is the chubbiest, cutest little man around.  I can see he has the true nature of a boy though.  I can see ER visits in our future.  He's not afraid to go over the edges of things, or attempt to climb even the most unsteady slopes.  He's also my little music man!  Almost the instant he hears music (or even beat boxing from Uncle Spencer) he starts dancing.  He loves the piano too.  We love our little man!  Happy First Birthday Levi! 

Happy little baby

 Crabby costume for Halloween

 Getting adjusted to binging on Halloween candy :)

 He's not allowed to climb on that door anymore for fear of it breaking

 Cousin time :)

 He looks like he's kneeling up, but in fact, his legs are so chubby that he can't kneel down any lower haha.  Makes me happy!

 Christmas lights

 Polar Bear for Christmas

 "What's wrong with this sweater?"

 My sister has a picture like this with each of my kids in these PJ's.  I'll put all 3 pics up next to each other some day

 Someone has started taking after his Uncle Russell.  Our own personal garbage disposal

 Uncle Spencer before he takes off to Germany!  They are good buds

 He sat there for a LONG time like that in the snow.  He didn't budge, no tears, no happiness, not reaction haha.

 Our own cookie monster

 How many back rolls can you count?  Makes me so happy!!

 HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY!  We celebrated last week before Tyler left for Montana.  He thoroughly enjoyed his cupcake.  My aunt made that bib for him, it was so cute!!

 His first truck! 

Best description of him right now :)  I hope this video works! 

Here are some other pics from recent months

 Emerie has always been that kid who falls asleep in random ways.  She threw a fit because I told her she had to finish her sandwich to get more Cheetos.  As you can see, she finished her sandwich then fell asleep like this while she was waiting for Cheetos.

 Emerie's face in this one is the epitome of Thanksgiving Day. 

 They are becoming good buddies

 Helping mom tie a quilt

 Lyndi loves and misses Aunt Alyssa! 

 Ready for Christmas!

 Lyndi's birthday party which Aunt Alyssa willingly participated in :)

 Emerie got into my makeup.  I'm impressed with her eyeliner abilities.

 Again, she fell asleep while throwing a fit by my feet.

 The annual pretzel dipping party

 Ice skating!

 Sledding!

 Snow party!

 He makes a cute girl sometimes too :)

 She wanted to make her Story Time valentine for her sister

 This little man is so tolerant of anything and everything Emerie throws at him.  She does stuff like this and he takes it like a little man.  He gets dragged, pushed over or carried everywhere.

 Emerie passing time while dad is at the dentist.

 My heart :)

Motherhood and Facebook

If there's one thing I've learned over the last 6 years, it's that I'm an addict. To FaceBook.  I have been weaning myself from it these last 6 months, but everyone once in a while, I fall off the wagon and binge.  I can't help it; indulging myself in everyone else's lives.  Except my own.  That is the main reason I have been trying to wean myself from it. I'm trying to be more grateful for the life I have, not the life others have.

I have been noticing more and more that I get so worked up about stupid little things, or big things that I normally wouldn't know about if it weren't for social media.  I found myself here and there more interested in other's lives than my own, and more importantly, my family's.  IT'S RIDICULOUS.  And I know I'm not the only one out there with this problem.  And I also know I'm not the only mother who feels this ridiculous unnecessary, unintended pressure not to post anything that might POSSIBLY lead people to think I'm not perfect.  IT'S RIDICULOUS. I have mocked myself for thinking this way, but it's hard not to. 

I am not perfect.  I'm not a perfect daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, wife, friend, niece, granddaughter, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, and most of all mother.  Did I leave any relations out?  :)  As one of the mothers involved in social media, we see things all the time, moms claiming that their way is the only way, or to be a know it all after being a mother for 1 week, or posting pictures of OTHER peoples kids being concerned for OTHER people's children because the child is, heaven forbid, wearing a coat in their car-seat, and, heaven forbid, buckled with the latch 2" too low on their chest as if it is the WORST thing in the world. Truly. The worst thing?  When did it become our jobs to critique all the other moms in the world?  I recently removed myself from a mommy page on Facebook because of this.  I went absolutely crazy seeing posts of this sort every other day.  I would not like to be judged like that, and I know NOONE else would either, so why do we do it?  Because of social media.  Because of Facebook.  We have so much access to other people's lives, it's hard to see something and not say something.  I feel like we've been trained that the phrase "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" is old-fashioned and has now transitioned to the other extreme of "Say everything, even if it's harsh, rude, inconsiderate, ignorant" etc.  I myself am guilty of this from time to time. 

In today's world, it isn't a wonder why so many moms are stressed out.  I read an article about moms 100 years ago having much less stress with 10 kids than moms today with 1 or 2 kids.  Being compared to hundreds of friends on Facebook or Instagram isn't easy.  (Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE it when people post cute pictures of their kids or amazing things that they are doing with their lives, or new hairstyles, etc. I totally love it, and I do the same to help keep in touch with 90% of my family.) BUT, comparing my imperfect self to everyone else was making me crazy.  There was no reason at all for it. That's why I'm pulling back.  I am tired of feeling like I can't be myself and post crap like this haha. :) I am tired of feeling like if I post a picture I have to study the picture and make sure no one can find any fault with it. I am tired of feeling like I have to be perfect.  Here are some of my real imperfections as a mother:

I LOVE my kids, and yet I struggle to be happy every moment with them.
I love having babies, yet sometimes I would be happy to skip the first year, I struggle with the first year more so than the terrible 2's and even more terrible 3's. 
I love spending time with my kids, yet feel so much relief and even joy some days that it's bedtime.
I love having clean, nice smelling kids.  I don't love changing poopy diapers, wiping noses, or bathtime.
I wake up some mornings ready for the day, and a lot of days I wake up and wonder if I can handle another day. Especially without my husband here to back me up and help out.  (PS, the count is down to 93 days, 93 days until he is done and back home with us)
I love the euphoria of having a newborn, but hated being pregnant and am still suffering lots of pain from my 3rd pregnancy.  Yes, he's almost 1.
I get genuinely mad in the middle of the night sometimes when the kids are awake. AGAIN. Tired is my biggest personality trait right now.
I like to feed my kids healthy food.  A lot of days I cave to Emerie's constant "Can I have a snack?" Which usually results in her eating junk food, and I am ok with that sometimes, as long as she doesn't ask me again for the 198th time that day.  That girl loves to eat all day.  My 11.5 month old snuck 4 cookies off the table right after breakfast this morning, and I took pictures and laughed instead of taking the cookies away.
I like to go outside with my kids, but some days I won't because it is just too much work.
I love it when I find my kids are like me, then get super irritated about things that I do that I'm seeing them do.  Yes, I'm a hypocrite.
I get mad at my kids in public.  I am not that mom that will put up with stuff just because we're out and about.
I love to have the house to myself when my husband takes the kids to the park or something. I love it.

I do a lot of other things that I'm sure other mothers would not approve of.  And I'm increasingly fine with that.  I'm learning to be comfortable in my own shoes.  Because we are not done having kids.  No that's not a pregnancy announcement.  I've just learned along the way that it's easier than trying to be comfortable in other people's shoes. My rant is not made to make other moms feel guilty about things they're doing on social media.  My rant is to acknowledge the fact that people aren't perfect, especially moms. Take it easy out there. Love your OWN life, like I'm learning to love mine.

Greensburg updates

Tada!  I was kind of over the beaming orange glaring at my eyeballs whenever I looked at my blog haha.  Hopefully this is a little easier on everyone's eyes too!  Our family's new territory is littered with dead opossums, deer, raccoons and smells like skunks, dead or alive. After seeing one in its dead state, I decided I would never ever ever like to encounter an opossum while it's still alive. Holy scary animals!  My mom lives on the outskirts of town, so most of the roads I take are quiet and heavily wooded with LOTS of wildlife. 

Lyndi began kindergarten August 31st. I still can't believe it is time for one of my kids to be in school! The kindergarten teachers hosted a Popsicle party a few days before they began so they could look through the school and meet the teachers and classmates. I have been so worried about Lyndi making new friends because she gets so attached and kind of closed off sometimes that I didn't know how she would do in a completely new setting.  However, she found another little girl within a few minutes that is tall with brown hair just like her and their lockers are right next to each other! They walked around holding hands :) after her hour with the other kids she called Mia her best friend!  She told me a few weeks ago that people get mad whenever she doesn't play with them.  Such a hard life to be popular :)  I love this girl.  She is our sweetheart.  She has the biggest heart and the most thoughtful mind.  She is in the top 5 kids in her class for academics, and I get the chance to go in once a week to help out in her class, it's so fun to see her in action!  She comes home with homework and I keep waiting for it to be challenging for her.  I'm sure it'll come, just not for now! And I don't know how teachers do it!  There are a few kids in her class that drive me NUTS every time I'm in there!  So kudos to you teachers for sticking with it!  I very much appreciate you.

We are through our first trimester of our "4th pregnancy", we're through the transition of starting a new temporary life in Greensburg (although, since it's temporary, we are not going to fully adjust). Not that it's any easier saying goodbye to Tyler every time, but now we can start counting down seasons, months, weeks, days whatever to help it pass faster. It's starting to cool down outside and we are settling into a new routine. I also have a put a plug in for my rockstar kids. They have been quite the troopers with this rough transition, and can make the 4 hour drive without having to stop! And without crying! We have been able to see Tyler more than we originally thought. I'm sure that will change soon, but it's made it easier to adjust being able to see him almost every weekend!

Tyler just started his second to last rotation this week in West Virginia.  He is working at a VA hospital and is living with an older man who works there too.  I don't know much more than that yet.  His second board exam is coming up in a few weeks, and I'm not worried at all, since he passed his first one on top of 3 weeks of sleep deprivation from having a newborn in the house. :)  He amazes me.  He puts the work in and it definitely pays off!
  
Emerie is LOVING being the older sister at home while Lyndi is at school.  She is starting to write hew name and still very very much loves anything princess. She gets dressed in the morning with Lyndi and then around 10 am she changes into a dress haha. She has started winking at everyone.  It scrunches up her whole face and is quite cute.  She is our theatrical child.  VERY upset when she's upset, VERY happy when she's happy, VERY mad when she's mad.  But because of that, she's VERY snuggly when she wants to be and VERY helpful when she wants to be.

Levi is going to be walking soon!  Lyndi will probably always hold the record (9 months, 2 days), but he's going to give her a run for her money!  He stands on his own (if it's his idea, if WE try to make him stand, he immediately wants to sit down) for bits of time and travels down furniture like it's nobody's business!  His little personality is so sweet. He grins constantly and is starting to hide or run away from people when he doesn't want them to get him.  He has 2 little bottom teeth, which came through about a month ago, which put him 6 months ahead of the girls' schedule haha.  This kid can pack in food!  He is a bottomless pit, and eats almost everything I put in front of him.  Hence his rather large size.  He is 25 lbs. at 8.5 months. My arms are getting some serious muscle :)

I have been able to do a lot of projects the last few months that I haven't been able to do for the last few years.  I'm helping my mom make 6 giant demin quilts, we're about halfway through.  I made 4 rag rugs out of the leftover material my mom and I had.  I finally re-printed my cookbook, am working on re-printing Joy School stuff and printed pictures so I'm caught up to 2013.  I am going to work on my T-shirt quilts next.  My mom has a pretty kick-butt quilting frame that a guy from church designed for her, so I'm going to take advantage while I can!

My mom and I take turns cooking, which has been AMAZING.  To say the least.  I am not a fan of cooking every night.  I love to cook, but have increasingly less time and desire to spend lots of time in the kitchen.  We trade off weeks, and it's nice to have my mom's home cooking again!  Lyndi told me that she cooks a lot better than I do haha.  I'm not even offended, because it's true.

I was going to add pictures in here, but my computer is on its last leg and it takes FOREVER to load even one, so I'll have to do them another time.